Listening to some music tonight, thinking back over the 24 years that my life has been blessed with my son. I'm having a hard time because I hate the prospect of outliving him. Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children. It's not the balance of things. If anyone was gonna get cancer in this family, it should be me not him.
Times like this is when I find myself questioning the fairness of life in general and, I must admit, my faith in God. I know He gives us tests our whole life to make us stronger and to remind us that He is almighty. But, damn it, if I fail this test, it's Raymond that loses the most! Is it really fair to him for God to be giving me this test? No, it isn't! If God wanted to test my faith by using cancer, then I should have been the one to get it, not Raymond, and I'm damn angry about it!!
We see the urologist tomorrow. Not sure what wonderful, f-ing news we'll get from him. I know it won't be good news, if I keep questioning my faith like this so I better get off of here and go bend the good Lord's ear for awhile and make amends for my doubt before He takes it out on m son.
Pam, I will pray that God fills you with the peace that passes all understanding, and that Raymond will overcome this disease!! Be strong, my friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It's encouraging to read your blog.
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